by Eric Terman
With the global death toll approaching 18 million, the Center for Disease Control has thus far been unsuccessful in quelling fears about a worldwide epidemic of spontaneous self-combustion. So far, the CDC has narrowed down the list of potential causes to an estimated 13,574 possible triggers. Andrew Erickson of the CDC urges strict adherence to guidelines. “We assure you, as long as you do not engage in any of the behaviors listed on our website, you will be fine.” Erickson stated this moments before exploding, his brain matter and intestines splattering the press corps.
Among the most noteworthy highlights on the CDC’s list of triggers are: walking the dog, filing tax returns early, filing tax returns late, public speaking, and eating pop-rocks while drinking cola. “We are very confident that we will have the list of possible causes narrowed down significantly in the next month. As a precaution, we will remove all beans from supermarket shelves,” said Wilbur Wilkins, a lead scientist. “Unless, of course, we all explode first. That would suck.”