Serial Loiterer Apprehended

by Eric Terman

Fort Wayne, Indiana – The FBI has apprehended America’s most notorious serial loiterer. Marcus Sullivan was taken into custody after he was spotted on a morning jog. Sullivan pled guilty shortly after being identified in seven separate police line-ups. His apprehension brings to an end a three-year long path of terror that cut across the upper mid-west, from Minneapolis to Cincinnati.

Thomas Barker, a public defender for the state of Indiana and Sullivan’s former attorney, withdrew his representation citing moral concerns. “I’ve defended arsonists, child molesters, and murderers, but this just crosses the line. My job is important, but my soul is more so.” Barker also commented that Sullivan “can burn in hell.”

“Think of all the families, all the family businesses that Sullivan destroyed. They were all so young,” said county prosecutor Gerald Williams, who is seeking the death penalty. “Our office has to send a clear, unmistakable message that Barker’s actions are unconscionable.”

Many have raised concerns over differences in sentencing between Caucasians and African Americans. Former loiterer Don Hutchins commented, “I got a fifty-dollar fine. Even that seemed a bit harsh to me.”

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