Woman Kills Husband, Ruled Suicide

by Austin Millet

A woman in North Douglas was taken into custody this morning for the apparent murder of her husband last Friday. Investigations into the incident have been ongoing since her 911 call that evening to report that she had clubbed him with an aluminum baseball bat. According to a press conference following the arrest, the woman claimed that they argued over his treatment of her mother, he threatened her with the bat and dropped it before walking to the kitchen for another beer, at which point she picked up the instrument and proceeded to strike him in the back of the head four or five times, fatally wounding the man. He was pronounced dead on arrival of blunt-force trauma at 10:47 pm, Friday evening. He was thirty-one.

Though the woman did not protest her innocence and voluntarily confessed to the attack, further consideration of the nature of marriage led investigators to place the blame elsewhere. Because all women are mere extensions and possessions of their husbands’, she has been found to have been acting under the will of her husband at the time of the deadly assault, much like other suicides may use a gun to the temple, rope around the neck, or overdose on medication. She has been cleared of all charges and let free.

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