Category Archives: News

Tax evader super-glues anus shut to prevent prison sodomy

Carson Greene prepares to glue his anus shut

Carson Greene prepares to glue his anus shut

By Eric Terman

Marion, Illinois, United States Penitentiary- When Carson Greene regretfully agreed to a plea deal of two and a half years for tax evasion, his first thought was not of the freedoms he would be stripped of or the wife and children whose constant reassuring and calming presence he would be denied. Carson Greene’s first concern was of his physical well-being; specifically the sodomy he would soon endure.

“I would explain to Carson that the evidence was stacked against him and that incarceration would be unavoidable. The conversation would always turn towards prison sodomy; how much it would hurt, how frequent it could be, and if there was anything that could be done to prevent it,” Explained attorney Alexander Felt. “His singular focus was always on preventing sodomy. He asked me if he could work it into the plea deal to agree to do additional time in prison in exchange for not having to be sodomized. I told him [the state] couldn’t make that guarantee.”

After weeks of lost sleep and indecisiveness over whether to proceed to trial, revelation came to Greene in the form of a dream. “I dreamt that I was soaring through the clouds, waving at airplanes as they passed by, petting the birds and eagles, when suddenly I became stuck to a cloud. And I couldn’t fly anymore. And I realized the cloud was made of glue. And I awoke instantly and realized, I just needed to superglue my asshole shut!

There is a God, and this is his sign. I knew then what I had to do” rationalized Greene. “So I called my lawyer instantly and told him I’d be taking a deal.”

Those close to him were surprised by Greene’s sudden reversal, and expressed bafflement over what appeared to be an acceptance of inevitable forced anal penetration. “Carson would talk about virtually nothing, for weeks, but how much he sympathized for the victims of involuntary sodomy, and how he prayed that somehow God could spare him of such a punishment, and then all of a sudden he wanted a plea-deal and to get his sentencing as quickly as possible. It took forever before he told me what changed his mind,” said wife Christy Greene. Our son was surprised too when Carson said he’d accept jail time.”

“Daddy said he didn’t want his butt to hurt”, stated son Will Greene. “But then he said it wouldn’t have to.”

One day before reporting to the Marion Penitentiary to begin serving his 30 month sentence, Carson Green purchased one cyanoacrylate The Original Super Glue tube from a local hard-ware store. He then carefully applied the glue to his anus, one drop at a time.

“I musta used half that tube!” said Greene. “I wanted to make sure nothing was getting in there. My first night in the joint I took a shower, and this guy who goes by Skull says ‘hey, check out the new guy’. You should have seen the looks on their faces! It was exhilarating. He was shouting like, ‘hey, what the fuck? I can’t get it in!’ It was incredible.”

“I’ve been feeling a bit sick though lately. I don’t know what it is. My stomach has just been killing me. The food here obviously ain’t gourmet, but I guess I just really haven’t adjusted to it. I mean I guess that’s what’s making me feel so sick. Either that or the fact that I haven’t taken a shit in more than a week.”

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Chubby Chaser Bites Big One

By Austin Millet

“He died the way he lived — underneath a big, beautiful woman.”

“He died the way he lived — underneath a big, beautiful woman.”

Yesterday afternoon a young man and self-proclaimed large women fetishist was accidentally crushed by a falling fat woman while waiting in line at Chipotle.  The unfortunate accident occurred in the middle of a large fraternity-sorority bar crawl in which the young woman was participating and the young man was not.  Witnesses speculate that the woman was “really wasted,” and many told reporters that she had been having trouble standing still for several minutes before the fatal fall, and had been struggling against the drunks’ breeze for quite some time before finally succumbing and toppling over onto the young man.

The young man’s female friend — who was of healthy weight and thus not romantically involved with the victim — recalled that she noticed that his face looked “serene” following the EMTs’ pronouncement of DOA when she caught a glimpse of him as the rolled the young woman off of him.  “He always used to love how little pressure larger woman would place on him in romantic situations, and, considering this, I think he would have enjoyed the irony of his fate had he had a chance to appreciate it. … I don’t think he would have chosen to go any other way.”

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Journal From A Journeyer: The Tales and Travels of Dr. Theodore Thaint – Part I

by Eliot Rahal

"Time to change time"

"Time to change time"

I want to be forever young. Those words, they radiate from my car stereo, and cut me like a knife. 1992, the year when Alphaville came out with that famous hit single, it is also the year that I decided to live.
They never believed, they always doubted. Their criticisms echo through my skull and destroy the fabric of my sanity. I was driven to the edge of oblivion, but I lived. Whoever told me you can’t turn a Chevrolet Citation into a Time Machine was wrong. Dead Wrong.

To be continued.

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Dakota Fanning Announces Candidacy for President in 2048

by Eric Terman

"Why can't Lucy be President?"

"Why can't Lucy be President?"

Dakota Fanning announced today through her manager that she will be seeking the 2048 presidential nomination as a Democrat. Manager JJ Harris stated unequivocally that Ms. Fanning has every intention of winning. “Make no mistake, Dakota Fanning will in the future have what it takes to be this nation’s 54th or 55th, or perhaps 56th or 57th president, depending on how many presidents die in office” he said.
Within hours of the announcement, dozens of “Fanning in 48” websites sprung up on the web. “We don’t know if anyone will still be using the internet in 39 years,” said Fanning4TheWhiteHouse.com founder Ellen Shockley, “but we do know that Dakota Fanning will be the most qualified person to lead this country once 2048 rolls around.”
Fanning supporters have been quick to point out their candidate’s unique experiences with success in the face of monumental pressure. Others have cited her background in a wide range of contexts that a presidential hopeful will need to tackle in 2048 such as the lessons she learned helping the mentally challenged in I am Sam and the Space Alien attacks she encountered in War of the Worlds.
But some have expressed doubts about Fanning’s future qualifications for the most powerful office in the nation. “She’s not cute anymore people! She’s like 15 now!” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “That stuck-up bitch was a menace to work with!” declared actress Brittany Murphy. One thing is certain, Fanning is expected to face a ferocious primary challenge from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

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Lonely Man Can’t Even Remember a Fleeting Romantic Fantasy for Craigslist’s “Missed Connection” – Attempts to Falsify One

by Austin Millet

Stan's fictional lost love has yet to post her own "Missed Connection" of the occurance, Stan is hopeful.

Stan's fictional lost love has yet to post her own "Missed Connection" of the occurance, Stan is hopeful.

Stan Willem of North Chicago was recently feeling the onset of ennui after yet another day of tech support at the large ISP help center where he works, and decided to indulge in an old pastime from his college days: personal monographic literature recounting minute poignant instances in his recent past.  He recalled his past writings fondly, such as his sophomore year entry, “Monitors Reflecting on Your Glasses,” a piece describing a slight crush on his CS 125 partner whose true name he always withheld but referred to as “Laura.”  Though single in his late 30s, a far-cry from a college-aged bachelor, Willem decided to try his hand at recapturing some of that creative fire, this time with a medium more public.  A quick appraisal of his options led him to Craigslist’s Missed Connections section, in which users are encouraged to write on events spanning from passing crushes based on a seemingly meaningful smile, brief moments of eye contact on the train or missed opportuntites to “Shit on my face.” Willem cracked his knuckles and sat down, ready to write about such an encounter in his recent life.

Twenty minutes later, the screen still glaring a featureless white abyss into his eyes, Willem came to the stunning realization that at no point in the past five years had he ever even once considered himself to be on the same playing field as a woman in his general vicinity.  He rode the L to and from work every day, giving him regular exposure to the type of environment that seemed to incubate such passing fancies, yet he could not remember a single instance of making eye contact with or catching a smile from a woman that he did not immediately rule out as too good or not good enough for him.  Amazed, he vaguely recalled having attempted to catch the eye of a young woman he found attractive soon after he had moved into his current apartment, but that had been seven years and four months in the past.  He remembered her glancing at him and immediately looking away when—he assumed—she noticed he was paying attention to her, and briefly considered writing on this occurrence, but soon abandoned the idea when he could not remember what she had been wearing, not to mention her hair color, approximate height, dress style, body build, facial features, or ethnic group, so it seemed more trouble than it was worth, especially considering how long ago the sighting had occurred.

It was while trying to recall what this pseudo-lost love was like that the idea of fictionalizing an event crossed Willem’s mind.  Sure, it is pretty pathetic to imagine a dream girl, not to mention write about her as if she’s real, you’ve met her, and didn’t even ask her out, not to mention posting that writing to the internet.  But Willem had set his mind to recapturing some of the magic that came from these kinds of writings from college, though admittedly those had all actually occurred.  Not to be deterred, Willem created “Rebecca” and set about drawing a word picture describing her mistakenly entering the ISP help center where he worked before leaving, embarrassed at her own charming confusion, only to wind up on the very same L train as Willem that very evening.  As Willem planned it, the two shared a meaningful silence thick with eye contact and shy smiles, as if each shared in on a private, intimate joke unknown to the rest of the unwashed passengers on the Red Line.  Though he was tempted to skip ahead to this presupposed intensely intimate moment, Willem resolved to write chronologically, as he had in college, and set to work describing her entrance.

It was at about the four page mark, when Willem had finally finished detailing the charming way the tips of her breasts seemed to hover exactly twenty inches above and seven inches extended out from her belt-line, after cataloging the various endearing facial expressions she cycled rapidly through behind her stylish glasses as she walked into the ISP office, confused that the address she thought would lead her to her new job as executive sales manager of AnimeKingdom—one of Willem’s favorite publishers—would instead lead into what appeared to be an IT center, and just before zooming in on and describing for nearly a page the gorgeous way that her left ankle pivoted as she unsettlingly turned to leave, mortified at her ignorance in front of so dashing an ISP call center employee, momentarily pausing to pan up to the exceedingly meaningful glance she cast back as she left the office, that Willem felt what he had so far written rang a bit hollow.  Not only was this woman a little too perfect, his descriptions relied heavily on total omniscience, an excellent example being his tangent describing her low-carb diet after no larger a clue as her perfectly proportioned waist line.  He briefly considered toning it down slightly, perhaps limiting his description to the planned meaningful ride home on the L together, but soon decided it was not worth the effort of editing, and that no one—not even those on the internet—would believe it, and anonymity be damned, his delicate disposition could not take the prospect of his magnum opus making the Penthouse Forum seem plausible by comparison.  Willem closed OpenOffice.org, not bothering to save his work, and placed his favorite Vivid Video DVD into the player, dripping a melancholy that made him feel even more vulgar than he already felt.

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Chicago’s Olympic Race War.

chicagoolymp

By Eliot Rahal

Gentrification, or for those who don’t read books, better known as, “Where’d all the black people go?” has been the proverbial skeleton key for white handed city planners who had to think of a creative way to exile minorities from certain neighborhoods when segregation was deemed to be “distasteful” in the eyes of white urban elites. Gentrification functions basically the same as segregation with a few key differences. Segregation hates you because of the way God made you. Gentrification hates you because of your circumstances, IE, those who don’t have any money, don’t really have much of choice if a highway is built in your back yard where the public school once stood. However since in our country being dirt poor in urban areas is synonymous with races that aren’t white, this allows for a far more subtle racism, meaning: Gentrification hates you because your poor and black…. not just black – that would be too bold.

Consequently this type of slimier, far more deceitful city planning is the favorite to our very own Snidely Whiplash of an elected official, Mayor Daley. His love for hating things that aren’t his own skin color extends to a level diabolical politics that hasn’t been seen in the city of Chicago since his father was in power. Why do you think Taylor Street has only two authentic restaurants left, or just contemplate the existence of Old Town and Lincoln Park. In fact recent documents were discovered in Mayor Daley’s desk for his plans for Chicago if it receives the Olympic bid in 2016. The blue print included a map of urban areas with high minority populations but low property tax rates, which were crossed out in a bold red, and in their places were the words BARNES AND NOBLE, STARBUCKS and POTTERY BARN over and over again. Other plans included and I quote from Daily’s architectural notes, “Island on Lake Michigan + Minorities + Dynamite + 2016 Olympics = THE PERFECT CRIME.”

Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, “I won’t let that happen, I voted for Obama which means I care about things I barely comprehend.” Unfortunately this moment of empathy for humanity will be literally white washed as the Olympics are set up at Navy Pier. Soon voices of protest will turn into, “Look how nice everything looks” and the poor will be forgotten, as they are time and time again. No amount of Sean Pean’s and movies about equality will change the fact that Chicago’s politics are super racist.

In fact our only hope to spare thousands of people and large neighborhoods from an ignoble eviction notice is the fact that this city has the highest murder rate in the nation. With a blood curdling number that reaches over 500 a year, nothing short of murder in the first degree will be the only thing keeping U.N. delegates away from our very inviting city limits.

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A-Rod recants, says he never used steroids.

A-Rod, seen here struggling with peer pressure

A-Rod, seen here struggling with peer pressure

by Eric Terman

New York Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez, in a second interview in as many months with MLB expert Peter Gammons, has recanted and says he has never used steroids. Rodriguez’s reversal has stunned the baseball community, and is raising more questions than it answers. Rodriguez says he felt under pressure to admit using performance enhancing drugs and wilted under the pressure.

“I’ve just always wanted people to like me, and so I said what I thought everyone wanted to hear…and I thought it would just go away” said Rodriguez. When asked by Gammons to explain his two positive steroid tests he responded, “Does it really matter now? What’s important is that I’m finally telling the truth…I’m coming clean and admitting to having never used steroids.”

The interview became heated when Gammons asked about Rodriguez’s previous explanation of having begun the use of performance enhancing drugs because of pressure he felt upon signing an 8 figure contract with the Texas Rangers. “I lied because of pressure; you put me under pressure and so I said I did something that I didn’t do. But, Selena Roberts really did stalk me” he added.

Rodriguez’s agent Scott Boras issued a prepared statement shortly after the interview congratulating his client for doing the “brave” thing. When asked by a reporter if he anticipated that the controversy would become a distraction and drag into the season, Boras laughed and said “Absolutely not. Why would it, it never even happened.”

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