Category Archives: Human Interest

Tax evader super-glues anus shut to prevent prison sodomy

Carson Greene prepares to glue his anus shut

Carson Greene prepares to glue his anus shut

By Eric Terman

Marion, Illinois, United States Penitentiary- When Carson Greene regretfully agreed to a plea deal of two and a half years for tax evasion, his first thought was not of the freedoms he would be stripped of or the wife and children whose constant reassuring and calming presence he would be denied. Carson Greene’s first concern was of his physical well-being; specifically the sodomy he would soon endure.

“I would explain to Carson that the evidence was stacked against him and that incarceration would be unavoidable. The conversation would always turn towards prison sodomy; how much it would hurt, how frequent it could be, and if there was anything that could be done to prevent it,” Explained attorney Alexander Felt. “His singular focus was always on preventing sodomy. He asked me if he could work it into the plea deal to agree to do additional time in prison in exchange for not having to be sodomized. I told him [the state] couldn’t make that guarantee.”

After weeks of lost sleep and indecisiveness over whether to proceed to trial, revelation came to Greene in the form of a dream. “I dreamt that I was soaring through the clouds, waving at airplanes as they passed by, petting the birds and eagles, when suddenly I became stuck to a cloud. And I couldn’t fly anymore. And I realized the cloud was made of glue. And I awoke instantly and realized, I just needed to superglue my asshole shut!

There is a God, and this is his sign. I knew then what I had to do” rationalized Greene. “So I called my lawyer instantly and told him I’d be taking a deal.”

Those close to him were surprised by Greene’s sudden reversal, and expressed bafflement over what appeared to be an acceptance of inevitable forced anal penetration. “Carson would talk about virtually nothing, for weeks, but how much he sympathized for the victims of involuntary sodomy, and how he prayed that somehow God could spare him of such a punishment, and then all of a sudden he wanted a plea-deal and to get his sentencing as quickly as possible. It took forever before he told me what changed his mind,” said wife Christy Greene. Our son was surprised too when Carson said he’d accept jail time.”

“Daddy said he didn’t want his butt to hurt”, stated son Will Greene. “But then he said it wouldn’t have to.”

One day before reporting to the Marion Penitentiary to begin serving his 30 month sentence, Carson Green purchased one cyanoacrylate The Original Super Glue tube from a local hard-ware store. He then carefully applied the glue to his anus, one drop at a time.

“I musta used half that tube!” said Greene. “I wanted to make sure nothing was getting in there. My first night in the joint I took a shower, and this guy who goes by Skull says ‘hey, check out the new guy’. You should have seen the looks on their faces! It was exhilarating. He was shouting like, ‘hey, what the fuck? I can’t get it in!’ It was incredible.”

“I’ve been feeling a bit sick though lately. I don’t know what it is. My stomach has just been killing me. The food here obviously ain’t gourmet, but I guess I just really haven’t adjusted to it. I mean I guess that’s what’s making me feel so sick. Either that or the fact that I haven’t taken a shit in more than a week.”

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Journal From A Journeyer: The Tales and Travels of Dr. Theodore Thaint – Part I

by Eliot Rahal

"Time to change time"

"Time to change time"

I want to be forever young. Those words, they radiate from my car stereo, and cut me like a knife. 1992, the year when Alphaville came out with that famous hit single, it is also the year that I decided to live.
They never believed, they always doubted. Their criticisms echo through my skull and destroy the fabric of my sanity. I was driven to the edge of oblivion, but I lived. Whoever told me you can’t turn a Chevrolet Citation into a Time Machine was wrong. Dead Wrong.

To be continued.

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Serial Loiterer Apprehended

by Eric Terman

Fort Wayne, Indiana – The FBI has apprehended America’s most notorious serial loiterer. Marcus Sullivan was taken into custody after he was spotted on a morning jog. Sullivan pled guilty shortly after being identified in seven separate police line-ups. His apprehension brings to an end a three-year long path of terror that cut across the upper mid-west, from Minneapolis to Cincinnati.

Thomas Barker, a public defender for the state of Indiana and Sullivan’s former attorney, withdrew his representation citing moral concerns. “I’ve defended arsonists, child molesters, and murderers, but this just crosses the line. My job is important, but my soul is more so.” Barker also commented that Sullivan “can burn in hell.”

“Think of all the families, all the family businesses that Sullivan destroyed. They were all so young,” said county prosecutor Gerald Williams, who is seeking the death penalty. “Our office has to send a clear, unmistakable message that Barker’s actions are unconscionable.”

Many have raised concerns over differences in sentencing between Caucasians and African Americans. Former loiterer Don Hutchins commented, “I got a fifty-dollar fine. Even that seemed a bit harsh to me.”

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Woman Kills Husband, Ruled Suicide

by Austin Millet

A woman in North Douglas was taken into custody this morning for the apparent murder of her husband last Friday. Investigations into the incident have been ongoing since her 911 call that evening to report that she had clubbed him with an aluminum baseball bat. According to a press conference following the arrest, the woman claimed that they argued over his treatment of her mother, he threatened her with the bat and dropped it before walking to the kitchen for another beer, at which point she picked up the instrument and proceeded to strike him in the back of the head four or five times, fatally wounding the man. He was pronounced dead on arrival of blunt-force trauma at 10:47 pm, Friday evening. He was thirty-one.

Though the woman did not protest her innocence and voluntarily confessed to the attack, further consideration of the nature of marriage led investigators to place the blame elsewhere. Because all women are mere extensions and possessions of their husbands’, she has been found to have been acting under the will of her husband at the time of the deadly assault, much like other suicides may use a gun to the temple, rope around the neck, or overdose on medication. She has been cleared of all charges and let free.

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Outbreak of Spontaneous Self-Combustion Causes Panic

by Eric Terman

With the global death toll approaching 18 million, the Center for Disease Control has thus far been unsuccessful in quelling fears about a worldwide epidemic of spontaneous self-combustion. So far, the CDC has narrowed down the list of potential causes to an estimated 13,574 possible triggers. Andrew Erickson of the CDC urges strict adherence to guidelines. “We assure you, as long as you do not engage in any of the behaviors listed on our website, you will be fine.” Erickson stated this moments before exploding, his brain matter and intestines splattering the press corps.

Among the most noteworthy highlights on the CDC’s list of triggers are: walking the dog, filing tax returns early, filing tax returns late, public speaking, and eating pop-rocks while drinking cola. “We are very confident that we will have the list of possible causes narrowed down significantly in the next month. As a precaution, we will remove all beans from supermarket shelves,” said Wilbur Wilkins, a lead scientist. “Unless, of course, we all explode first. That would suck.”

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