by Eliot Rahal
The most important news story of the centurytook place in asmall, junior one-bedroom apartment in the upper north side of Chicago. Emerging from the threshold of apartment 42b, I noticed the egg-white walls beginning to yellow. Stacks of old newspapers dating back to the turn of the century were strewn about. A list of celebrities, politicians and gay pornography icons, along with their impending dates of death, was posted on the wall. Blood smeared across the list read, “They know too much.” There were bookshelves dedicated to first editions and a refrigerator filled with absinthe and power bars. It was clear that society had forgotten about God.
His body, described to be in poor condition, was discovered by landlord Charles Curpowski this past Sunday. He described God as being “very quiet. He never liked to interfere.” Curpowski said he wanted to check up on God because he hadn’t seen him days. He could only hear the same jazz record being played over and over again. Curpowski brushed back a tear and said, “His presence was always so comforting.” When an unnamed neighbor was questioned about his untimely death, she simply said, “I wish I had known him better.”
Police investigator Mark Issacs said the cause of death was probably a combination of “world apathy, the Nothing from The Never Ending Story, and a self- inflicted gunshot to the head. The only thing God left was a note written on the mirror stating, “They had it wrong, Obi Wan.” A memorial service will be held next Thursday at 9:00pm at St. Anthony’s Cathedral. God is survived by his two cats, his son Jesus Christ, and 6.5 billion wayward souls.