By Austin Millet
Yesterday afternoon a young man and self-proclaimed large women fetishist was accidentally crushed by a falling fat woman while waiting in line at Chipotle. The unfortunate accident occurred in the middle of a large fraternity-sorority bar crawl in which the young woman was participating and the young man was not. Witnesses speculate that the woman was “really wasted,” and many told reporters that she had been having trouble standing still for several minutes before the fatal fall, and had been struggling against the drunks’ breeze for quite some time before finally succumbing and toppling over onto the young man.
The young man’s female friend — who was of healthy weight and thus not romantically involved with the victim — recalled that she noticed that his face looked “serene” following the EMTs’ pronouncement of DOA when she caught a glimpse of him as the rolled the young woman off of him. “He always used to love how little pressure larger woman would place on him in romantic situations, and, considering this, I think he would have enjoyed the irony of his fate had he had a chance to appreciate it. … I don’t think he would have chosen to go any other way.”