by Eric Terman
Dakota Fanning announced today through her manager that she will be seeking the 2048 presidential nomination as a Democrat. Manager JJ Harris stated unequivocally that Ms. Fanning has every intention of winning. “Make no mistake, Dakota Fanning will in the future have what it takes to be this nation’s 54th or 55th, or perhaps 56th or 57th president, depending on how many presidents die in office” he said.
Within hours of the announcement, dozens of “Fanning in 48” websites sprung up on the web. “We don’t know if anyone will still be using the internet in 39 years,” said Fanning4TheWhiteHouse.com founder Ellen Shockley, “but we do know that Dakota Fanning will be the most qualified person to lead this country once 2048 rolls around.”
Fanning supporters have been quick to point out their candidate’s unique experiences with success in the face of monumental pressure. Others have cited her background in a wide range of contexts that a presidential hopeful will need to tackle in 2048 such as the lessons she learned helping the mentally challenged in I am Sam and the Space Alien attacks she encountered in War of the Worlds.
But some have expressed doubts about Fanning’s future qualifications for the most powerful office in the nation. “She’s not cute anymore people! She’s like 15 now!” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “That stuck-up bitch was a menace to work with!” declared actress Brittany Murphy. One thing is certain, Fanning is expected to face a ferocious primary challenge from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.