Category Archives: Politics

Dakota Fanning Announces Candidacy for President in 2048

by Eric Terman

"Why can't Lucy be President?"

"Why can't Lucy be President?"

Dakota Fanning announced today through her manager that she will be seeking the 2048 presidential nomination as a Democrat. Manager JJ Harris stated unequivocally that Ms. Fanning has every intention of winning. “Make no mistake, Dakota Fanning will in the future have what it takes to be this nation’s 54th or 55th, or perhaps 56th or 57th president, depending on how many presidents die in office” he said.
Within hours of the announcement, dozens of “Fanning in 48” websites sprung up on the web. “We don’t know if anyone will still be using the internet in 39 years,” said Fanning4TheWhiteHouse.com founder Ellen Shockley, “but we do know that Dakota Fanning will be the most qualified person to lead this country once 2048 rolls around.”
Fanning supporters have been quick to point out their candidate’s unique experiences with success in the face of monumental pressure. Others have cited her background in a wide range of contexts that a presidential hopeful will need to tackle in 2048 such as the lessons she learned helping the mentally challenged in I am Sam and the Space Alien attacks she encountered in War of the Worlds.
But some have expressed doubts about Fanning’s future qualifications for the most powerful office in the nation. “She’s not cute anymore people! She’s like 15 now!” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “That stuck-up bitch was a menace to work with!” declared actress Brittany Murphy. One thing is certain, Fanning is expected to face a ferocious primary challenge from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

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War on Hyperbole rages on.

Obama appointed Hyperbole Czar Ramon Clarkson. Source: Myspace.com Note: We at the Gaslight cannot in good conscience condone following ANY link to myspace.com

Obama appointed Hyperbole Czar Ramon Clarkson. Source: Myspace.com Note: We at the Gaslight cannot in good conscience condone following ANY link to Myspace.com

by Eric Terman

Washington, D.C.- The White House announced today plans to accelerate it’s “War on Hyperbole”. Newly appointed Hyperbole Czar Ramon Clarkson said, “We can no longer afford to stand idle as these deadly hyperboles tear apart the fabric of our society. We must seek them out and utterly annihilate them where-ever they are. No less than the future of the human race is at stake.”

Supporters of the War on Hyperbole cite other failed “War on” policies such as the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, and the disasterous War on Internet Porn as evidence of an over-abundance of hyperbole in American society. Criticisms however cover a wide range of doubts. Some fear inadequate funding, while many more ask “What is a hyperbole?” Clarkson however dismisses his critics, and insists that casualties will not exceed 25,000 lives.

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White House Removes Endangered Species from its Menu

by Eric Terman

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced today that President Obama would reverse, by way of executive order, a controversial Bush administration policy that includes all endangered species on the White House menu. According to friends, former president Bush had been fond of making the remark, “Bald eagles taste like freedom.”

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