Tag Archives: Eric Terman

Tax evader super-glues anus shut to prevent prison sodomy

Carson Greene prepares to glue his anus shut

Carson Greene prepares to glue his anus shut

By Eric Terman

Marion, Illinois, United States Penitentiary- When Carson Greene regretfully agreed to a plea deal of two and a half years for tax evasion, his first thought was not of the freedoms he would be stripped of or the wife and children whose constant reassuring and calming presence he would be denied. Carson Greene’s first concern was of his physical well-being; specifically the sodomy he would soon endure.

“I would explain to Carson that the evidence was stacked against him and that incarceration would be unavoidable. The conversation would always turn towards prison sodomy; how much it would hurt, how frequent it could be, and if there was anything that could be done to prevent it,” Explained attorney Alexander Felt. “His singular focus was always on preventing sodomy. He asked me if he could work it into the plea deal to agree to do additional time in prison in exchange for not having to be sodomized. I told him [the state] couldn’t make that guarantee.”

After weeks of lost sleep and indecisiveness over whether to proceed to trial, revelation came to Greene in the form of a dream. “I dreamt that I was soaring through the clouds, waving at airplanes as they passed by, petting the birds and eagles, when suddenly I became stuck to a cloud. And I couldn’t fly anymore. And I realized the cloud was made of glue. And I awoke instantly and realized, I just needed to superglue my asshole shut!

There is a God, and this is his sign. I knew then what I had to do” rationalized Greene. “So I called my lawyer instantly and told him I’d be taking a deal.”

Those close to him were surprised by Greene’s sudden reversal, and expressed bafflement over what appeared to be an acceptance of inevitable forced anal penetration. “Carson would talk about virtually nothing, for weeks, but how much he sympathized for the victims of involuntary sodomy, and how he prayed that somehow God could spare him of such a punishment, and then all of a sudden he wanted a plea-deal and to get his sentencing as quickly as possible. It took forever before he told me what changed his mind,” said wife Christy Greene. Our son was surprised too when Carson said he’d accept jail time.”

“Daddy said he didn’t want his butt to hurt”, stated son Will Greene. “But then he said it wouldn’t have to.”

One day before reporting to the Marion Penitentiary to begin serving his 30 month sentence, Carson Green purchased one cyanoacrylate The Original Super Glue tube from a local hard-ware store. He then carefully applied the glue to his anus, one drop at a time.

“I musta used half that tube!” said Greene. “I wanted to make sure nothing was getting in there. My first night in the joint I took a shower, and this guy who goes by Skull says ‘hey, check out the new guy’. You should have seen the looks on their faces! It was exhilarating. He was shouting like, ‘hey, what the fuck? I can’t get it in!’ It was incredible.”

“I’ve been feeling a bit sick though lately. I don’t know what it is. My stomach has just been killing me. The food here obviously ain’t gourmet, but I guess I just really haven’t adjusted to it. I mean I guess that’s what’s making me feel so sick. Either that or the fact that I haven’t taken a shit in more than a week.”

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Dakota Fanning Announces Candidacy for President in 2048

by Eric Terman

"Why can't Lucy be President?"

"Why can't Lucy be President?"

Dakota Fanning announced today through her manager that she will be seeking the 2048 presidential nomination as a Democrat. Manager JJ Harris stated unequivocally that Ms. Fanning has every intention of winning. “Make no mistake, Dakota Fanning will in the future have what it takes to be this nation’s 54th or 55th, or perhaps 56th or 57th president, depending on how many presidents die in office” he said.
Within hours of the announcement, dozens of “Fanning in 48” websites sprung up on the web. “We don’t know if anyone will still be using the internet in 39 years,” said Fanning4TheWhiteHouse.com founder Ellen Shockley, “but we do know that Dakota Fanning will be the most qualified person to lead this country once 2048 rolls around.”
Fanning supporters have been quick to point out their candidate’s unique experiences with success in the face of monumental pressure. Others have cited her background in a wide range of contexts that a presidential hopeful will need to tackle in 2048 such as the lessons she learned helping the mentally challenged in I am Sam and the Space Alien attacks she encountered in War of the Worlds.
But some have expressed doubts about Fanning’s future qualifications for the most powerful office in the nation. “She’s not cute anymore people! She’s like 15 now!” said California Senator Barbara Boxer. “That stuck-up bitch was a menace to work with!” declared actress Brittany Murphy. One thing is certain, Fanning is expected to face a ferocious primary challenge from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

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A-Rod recants, says he never used steroids.

A-Rod, seen here struggling with peer pressure

A-Rod, seen here struggling with peer pressure

by Eric Terman

New York Yankees 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez, in a second interview in as many months with MLB expert Peter Gammons, has recanted and says he has never used steroids. Rodriguez’s reversal has stunned the baseball community, and is raising more questions than it answers. Rodriguez says he felt under pressure to admit using performance enhancing drugs and wilted under the pressure.

“I’ve just always wanted people to like me, and so I said what I thought everyone wanted to hear…and I thought it would just go away” said Rodriguez. When asked by Gammons to explain his two positive steroid tests he responded, “Does it really matter now? What’s important is that I’m finally telling the truth…I’m coming clean and admitting to having never used steroids.”

The interview became heated when Gammons asked about Rodriguez’s previous explanation of having begun the use of performance enhancing drugs because of pressure he felt upon signing an 8 figure contract with the Texas Rangers. “I lied because of pressure; you put me under pressure and so I said I did something that I didn’t do. But, Selena Roberts really did stalk me” he added.

Rodriguez’s agent Scott Boras issued a prepared statement shortly after the interview congratulating his client for doing the “brave” thing. When asked by a reporter if he anticipated that the controversy would become a distraction and drag into the season, Boras laughed and said “Absolutely not. Why would it, it never even happened.”

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War on Hyperbole rages on.

Obama appointed Hyperbole Czar Ramon Clarkson. Source: Myspace.com Note: We at the Gaslight cannot in good conscience condone following ANY link to myspace.com

Obama appointed Hyperbole Czar Ramon Clarkson. Source: Myspace.com Note: We at the Gaslight cannot in good conscience condone following ANY link to Myspace.com

by Eric Terman

Washington, D.C.- The White House announced today plans to accelerate it’s “War on Hyperbole”. Newly appointed Hyperbole Czar Ramon Clarkson said, “We can no longer afford to stand idle as these deadly hyperboles tear apart the fabric of our society. We must seek them out and utterly annihilate them where-ever they are. No less than the future of the human race is at stake.”

Supporters of the War on Hyperbole cite other failed “War on” policies such as the War on Drugs, the War on Crime, and the disasterous War on Internet Porn as evidence of an over-abundance of hyperbole in American society. Criticisms however cover a wide range of doubts. Some fear inadequate funding, while many more ask “What is a hyperbole?” Clarkson however dismisses his critics, and insists that casualties will not exceed 25,000 lives.

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White House Removes Endangered Species from its Menu

by Eric Terman

White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced today that President Obama would reverse, by way of executive order, a controversial Bush administration policy that includes all endangered species on the White House menu. According to friends, former president Bush had been fond of making the remark, “Bald eagles taste like freedom.”

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Serial Loiterer Apprehended

by Eric Terman

Fort Wayne, Indiana – The FBI has apprehended America’s most notorious serial loiterer. Marcus Sullivan was taken into custody after he was spotted on a morning jog. Sullivan pled guilty shortly after being identified in seven separate police line-ups. His apprehension brings to an end a three-year long path of terror that cut across the upper mid-west, from Minneapolis to Cincinnati.

Thomas Barker, a public defender for the state of Indiana and Sullivan’s former attorney, withdrew his representation citing moral concerns. “I’ve defended arsonists, child molesters, and murderers, but this just crosses the line. My job is important, but my soul is more so.” Barker also commented that Sullivan “can burn in hell.”

“Think of all the families, all the family businesses that Sullivan destroyed. They were all so young,” said county prosecutor Gerald Williams, who is seeking the death penalty. “Our office has to send a clear, unmistakable message that Barker’s actions are unconscionable.”

Many have raised concerns over differences in sentencing between Caucasians and African Americans. Former loiterer Don Hutchins commented, “I got a fifty-dollar fine. Even that seemed a bit harsh to me.”

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Outbreak of Spontaneous Self-Combustion Causes Panic

by Eric Terman

With the global death toll approaching 18 million, the Center for Disease Control has thus far been unsuccessful in quelling fears about a worldwide epidemic of spontaneous self-combustion. So far, the CDC has narrowed down the list of potential causes to an estimated 13,574 possible triggers. Andrew Erickson of the CDC urges strict adherence to guidelines. “We assure you, as long as you do not engage in any of the behaviors listed on our website, you will be fine.” Erickson stated this moments before exploding, his brain matter and intestines splattering the press corps.

Among the most noteworthy highlights on the CDC’s list of triggers are: walking the dog, filing tax returns early, filing tax returns late, public speaking, and eating pop-rocks while drinking cola. “We are very confident that we will have the list of possible causes narrowed down significantly in the next month. As a precaution, we will remove all beans from supermarket shelves,” said Wilbur Wilkins, a lead scientist. “Unless, of course, we all explode first. That would suck.”

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